The Orphanage Visit

I’m not sure which day was worse…Gotcha Day or the Orphanage visit. Likely Gotcha Day but this was a close second. But like unlike Gotcha day this was a good thing for Hope’s little psyche. I told a friend in an email yesterday after the fact, “Yeah so the visit was pretty much my nightmare. But God is faithful and I kept thinking of the devotional you sent me, God went in before us and came in behind us, He was there and he was doing his will for Hope's life, and it was my honor to suffer for the kingdom and my little girl. But is sucked!” I don’t know how to phrase it any better than that. She woke up somewhat cranky and out of sorts this day. We were able to take her down to breakfast with us and the boys got through their meal before she decided she was done. So they all went to walk around the hotel, walking as you know is her favorite thing, while I finished eating. We headed upstairs to pack for the trip and she was doing fairly well. We got in the van and headed out and she was a little squirmy. She wanted down, then as we got to the mountainous regions of Chongqing she wanted to look out my window then Eric’s and back and forth, we know now she was realizing her scenery. About 20 minutes from the orphanage at the base of mountain she started panting loudly like a dog. That is her I’m panicking, on the edge, sound. Eric held her to his chest and talked softly to her the entire time. She laid her head on his shoulder but held one of her arms back from him; it’s her, “I don’t really like you…but don’t leave me,” mode.

We did a serpentine approach up this huge mountain. The orphanage is in what is called the Chongqing Forrest. It is a huge beautifully landscaped mountain side. It is incredible. I would have enjoyed looking around if my heart weren’t in my throat on my daughters behalf. We arrived at the location and first went through a gate and what looked like a small apartment complex. We were told this was where the kids in the foster care program lived. Then we wound around to the actual orphanage. Below is Hope’s building she lived in.

It really was beautiful as far as orphanages go. The grounds were nicely landscaped and the buildings new and inside from what I can remember was clean, bright and somewhat cheery. They had colorful mats in the activity rooms and some climbing wedges and such, but our guide was correct…no toys. So they were extremely grateful for the toys we brought. Back to our story though. We stopped at one of the buildings that had an activity room and Eric gave me Hope and we put her in the Hip Hammock. She started to cry the closer I got to the building and when I stepped inside she went ballistic…arching, rolling, screaming at the top of her lungs, thrashing around, to the point that she almost came out of the carrier and I could barely contain her. We walked quickly out then around to her building where she stayed mostly and into her room with her bed. Still thrashing around the entire time. Eric was shooting video that I’m sure I will later get some good shots for her but I can’t bare to look at it now and I want to save it for her to privately have and not post on the blog.

When she saw her her crib, she was almost impossible to contain. So I moved quickly to another room. It was a room with bright floor mats and a ball pit in the middle a little boy was lying on his back by himself in the room and smiled big when he saw Noah. We later found out he had CP and we were actually in the “special needs ward”. These kids get to do activities but aren’t allowed to go to the preschool classes…who can I slap for that? Anyway, I have no idea what was being said, everyone was smiling and wanted us to stand and around and talk and ask questions. Feeling much like a caged animal looking for an exit I finally tersely  said, “I need to get her out of here now!” So our guide rushed us outside. God love Eric as he stayed and videoed for Hope for her future, it was killing him not to come to us and comfort us. When we got outside again she calmed a little. One of her nanny’s found us and Hope reached for her a little and the nanny made a move to come get her. I turned away rudely and walked to Noah. Eric finally emerged with the lead nanny in tow. She came up to me and put her hands out to Hope, who reached for her, the nanny tried to close in on us to take Hope out of the carrier. I simply looked at our guide Michael and cocked my head with a steely gaze I’m sure, and he quickly said something to the nanny and she sharply pulled back her arms and made an apology like gesture. Michael is the bomb. I went to go get in the van. When I got in the seat, Hope went crazy again. God love her heart, she didn’t want to stay but this place was all she knew and I’m pretty positive she knew what was happening. She was so conflicted. But this was the very point of our coming here. This was “the” cementing moment for her that is sooooo good for her. Another word for it would be “closure.” This was the moment she knew she wasn’t going back and was going to be with us now. It was so hard to watch and experience, and we could do nothing to comfort her.  I had to hand her to Eric because I was exhausted from trying to contain her. We got back the care package items I sent but I can tell they were never given to her. The book we sent for them to answer questions had some answers but nothing we didn’t already know. The gave back only one of the two cameras and said they had taken photo’s of her but then I saw a conversation where it appeared the nanny was saying she thought the camera is broken. So I expect nothing to be on the film.

We left with a thrashing sobbing Hope and went down the mountain a little ways to a scenic beautiful waterfall area. Eric was like, “Open the door we are going for a walk!” He bolted out of the van with Hope and Noah in tow. I sat trembling, not from anxiety, but from muscle fatigue and tried to make her a bottle. We brought the freakishly hot water but some how I forgot to pack the cooler water to make the bottle not an inferno. So I sat and mixed and blew on the bottle for awhile then decided to see how Hope was faring. And this is where you see the greatness of the man I married. He is so calming for her. He is brilliant with her and only he could have soothed away her heartache…it just take’s a Daddy’s love. How true is that on so many levels? Praise you Father in Heaven.

Thank you Lord for this Oasis to help Hope’s little soul.

I have no idea how we got a family picture here, it was Michael’s idea.

Eric said Hope loved the sound of the waterfall, it’s what helped soothe her.

Safe in Daddy’s arms.

The BEST son on the face of the earth.

We stayed here for about, well I don’t really know…45 minutes? Time was pretty irrelevant at this point. Then we got back in the van and gave her a bottle immediately. There was no more panting on the way back down. As the scenery fell away so did Hope’s anxiety…and Mama’s too.

 

She took a good nap and woke up in pretty good spirits, but we were ready for anything. We went to the pool so Noah and I could swim, Eric and Hope…walked around. Big shock there. She boldly walked to the edge of the pool several times to get her feet wet and was very proud of herself. She seemed to be doing well so we decided to see if we could take her to dinner. We went to Pizza Hut…it is incredible here, I know I’ve mentioned it but wow! She did brilliant! We did however, experience our first real series of gawkers regarding Hope. We expect people to be taken aback especially if you have never seen a child with cleft lip before. But he brash outright gawking and craning around and finger pointing stares were a bit much.  We expected it, yes, and we understand why, really we do, we are not that naïve to think all people will think she is beautiful, but it still made us want to punch people in the throat. I mean in the South, we are taught to try to recover your facial expressions, engage your filter in your brain so you don’t say something ridiculous, and be as gentile as much as possible. You don’t “stare” and cause offense. So I think Eric and I are that much more sensitive because of our Southern culture, we just want to scream, “Didn’t yo’ Mamma never teach you any manners people?!!”

But back to our sweet Hope. They brought her out a set of children’s dishes: plate, cup and spoon. They were bright orange and green. We pulled out her favorite bracelet and she played for like 40 minutes before she got restless and wanted to walk the floor. She lasted a lot longer than Eden typically does! We went back to the hotel and Eric and Hope played and played. Mommy could barely lift her arms, which is why I didn’t blog last night, it hurts too much to type. Hope loves what we now call the, “toilet drum”. The toilet with the seat cover down is the perfect height for her to stand unassisted and if you bang on it, it makes a cool sound. So she stays in the bathroom a bit. We also got to witness her taking her first few steps unassisted to Eric!!! It was so amazing! I wish I had it on film. Eric was sitting down and he put her at arms length and then slowly let go and told her to come to him and she did! About 3-4 steps! Such a big day! She didn’t want to go to bed, this girl loves being where the action is. She loves being out and about, she likes other people around but only wants us to touch or hold her. She simply doesn’t want to miss anything by sleeping. She is much like, “a captive being set free.” Anyone want to chime in on how much scripture is related to that…this is certainly a worldly and a spiritual journey our sweet Hope is on. I was able for the first time to run my fingers through her hair and rub her head, she wouldn’t let me do this before. It calmed her down in the crib and then I sang her to sleep. Just like I do with my other sweet girl, Eden. Who I miss terribly! So that was our big day. We weren’t going to do anything today (Thursday) because we thought the orphanage trip would be too much but since she recovered so well we called Michael to see if we could go to the river and that is another blog post. Blessings. Our God is so amazing, he makes all things new.

Introducing the latest innovation in children’s toys…the toilet drum. Are we from the South or what? Can you say Red Neck Chinese Girl? Gotta love it!